If a nation is the story it tells itself then the PA news schedule for Scotland this afternoon is a depressing tale.
Sectarianism, unemployment, murr-der, impotence, robbery, we've got it all. Even the one film that gets accolades, Peter Mullan's Neds, is the story of a violent, urban Scottish upbringing.
I phone the newsdesk to complain that there must be some good cheer somewhere to report and the deadpan response is: "Listen, that's only the news, you should see the weather."
Here's that full list, unabridged:
Press Association Scotland schedule update at 1600 on Monday October 17.
COURTS Bigot: A man who used a social networking website to post sectarian comments about Catholics and Celtic supporters has been jailed for eight months.
SCOTLAND Unemployment: Scotland is suffering from a "youth employment crisis" with one in four young men out of work, Labour said today.
SCOTLAND Redundancies: Councils have spent millions of pounds on voluntary and compulsory redundancy payments in the last two years, according to new figures.
CITY Philips: Lightbulbs-to-TV maker Philips is to cut 4,500 jobs after announcing its profits nearly halved during the summer.
SCOTLAND Death: A man has been charged with murdering another man who was found seriously injured at a house.
SCOTLAND Jobs: The rate of improvement in the Scottish labour market continued to ease off last month, according to a report.
SCOTLAND Trams: The first tram is expected to be delivered at the newly completed depot on the outskirts of Edinburgh this morning.
ENVIRONMENT Energy: Household electricity bills could be pushed up by around £300 a year by 2020 as a result of a continued reliance on fossil fuels to provide energy, environmentalists claimed today.
SCOTLAND Football: Two men are due in court in connection with football-related hate crime, police have said.
SCOTLAND Pylons: Work gets under way today to remove a string of electricity pylons from the UK's largest national park.
SCOTLAND Impotence: A convenient new drug to help men overcome erectile dysfunction has been approved by Scotland's medical watchdog.
MONEY Pension: Automatic enrolment into pension schemes could create an extra six million people saving, generating £12.5 billion annually to the retirement pot by 2017, research from Standard Life suggested today.
SCOTLAND Robbery: Three men have stolen more than £10,000 from a supermarket during an armed robbery.
SCOTLAND Stags: Male red stags are being snubbed by their female counterparts as they fight for attention during mating, research has shown.
SCOTLAND Burns: A mural inspired by Robert Burns's poem Tam O'Shanter has been unveiled at the bard's birthplace museum.
SCOTLAND Mother: A mother of five who died after a night out at a music festival has been named.
SCOTLAND Dog: Animal welfare inspectors are appealing for information about a starving and injured dog which was found in a "dreadful state".
SCOTLAND Climber: A man died after falling around 1,000 feet while climbing in the Highlands.
SCOTLAND Baftas: The nominees for this year's Scottish Baftas have been announced with Peter Mullan's film Neds named in four categories.
SCOTLAND Bank: Police have been stopping motorists and pedestrians near a city centre bank which was held up and robbed last week.
SOCIAL Funerals: A quarter of people fail to show the proper respect to a funeral procession, according to a survey.
SCOTLAND Pharmacists: The role pharmacists play in helping care for people could be developed in the future, Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon said today.